Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
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can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
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I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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