remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
