I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
How external is "for external use only"?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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