drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
