Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
this is an emotional support booty call
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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