I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
