i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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