Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Randomize
