why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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