Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching