The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
