I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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