New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
