exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
