if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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