she woke up with a sticky ear
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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