Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
