i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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