well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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