Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
