Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
