if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
