I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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