totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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