Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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