I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Two words: blizzard sex
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
