I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Terrible idea I love it
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
