remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
