I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize