New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she smelled like a LAN party
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
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All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
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I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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