I heard we made out
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
