I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
FUCK WHALES
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
