I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
50% drunk capacity currently
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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