Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
