During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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