you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
