I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
