i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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