hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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