i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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