I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
