help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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