My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
