Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
