I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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