just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
