i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
