new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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