chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
