hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
