Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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