she looked like the bat from fern gully.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
