Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
