better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
