i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
