how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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