I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
