Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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