My sheets look like a crime scene.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
