At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
