I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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