tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
