she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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